Depressing.
By d | February 22, 2010
I guess I should be excited. An awesome thing just happened in my career. In fact, two awesome things. Two pretty astonishingly remarkable things, to me at least.
Either on their own normally would make me giddy with uncontainable excitement. The problem is, I have nobody to share them with.
Sure there’s a few friends who I’ve told, some were genuinely happy for me. Some just congratulated because it’s what you’re supposed to do.
But it’s just not the same as somebody who has been there with me, understands what it took to get there, and can be truly happy with me, for what’s happened.
I don’t know, I feel I should really be excited, but I’m just depressed I have nobody to share it with. That’s life I guess, one thing goes well, another is shitty. Balance of life.
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Withdrawn.
By d | February 13, 2010
Time to withdraw from certain scenarios and certain people methinks.
There are other things at play, and I don’t like where it’s all leading.
Withdrawn.
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Why do I do it to myself?
By d | February 10, 2010
Sometimes I really wonder why I do it to myself. Along I go, travelling fine and keeping a check on things. Just livin life, and doing my bidness.
Then what do I decide to do? Agree to spend some time with DM. Just chilling and doing stuff the way we used to do.
Then what, she explains how unhappy she is at the moment, and how she wished things hadn’t taken the course they did. And what do I do? Fill my head with stupid nonsense as a byproduct.
Sure, I miss things, the way they were. And fuck yes, I miss her too. So much. I miss the way things just clicked with us, there wasn’t any “oh, sometimes it feels right, sometimes it doesn’t” – just an acceptance that we worked well together, and things were good.
There’s a thousand and one things I miss about her on a daily basis, thoughts that just appear in my mind and just try and dismiss as quickly.
But, would I ever want to go down that road again, knowing the outcome it lead to? Do I ever want to risk being hurt like that, and having to suck it all up, again?
I really don’t know, and it’s killing me.
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Writing it down is the hard bit
By d | February 1, 2010
Some days, the words come quite easily. I set down to the keyboard, and it all just rushes out of me, unedited and uncensored by my mind. Just raw thoughts and lots of feelings.
Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened for quite some time now. The more I think about writing down all the things that have happened, the feelings that I’ve felt, the mini adventures I’ve had, the more I seem to hesitate to commit to typing it out.
From the entrance of new characters to the cameos of old ones, there has been a bit of turbulence of late, but nothing as dramatic or extreme as it’s been in the past.
Mistakes have certainly been made (seems as though it’s hard for me to avoid making mistakes these days), most specifically the huge error in judgement of letting my guard down a little too much in a passionate conversation and accidentally hinting someone into the deeper parts of my inner monologue. This is a topic on which at the best of times can cause shame and discomfort, let alone when shared with a close former-affiliate.
Danger signs and warning bells were ringing in my head, this much is true, but sadly the words kept pouring out of me without consideration.
The downside to all this? Well, from my perspective, and added layer of neurosis, that now seems to be plaguing my mind during every conversation, every interaction, every glance. From her standpoint, I’m not certain there has been much affect. Not that I necessarily think there would have been, she soldiers on, and adds to the arsenal of intimate parts of me she knows. Always a dangerous thing if you ask me.
New characters seem to come and go, nothing really fulfilling those needs of real companionship and a deep level of understanding. My own company is growing ever more tiresome of itself, though the choices remain grim; remain in a state of solitude and enjoy self-conversing, find new companionship and go through the horribly unsatisfying process of filtering through to those who can actually understand, enjoy platonic companionship and frustrate my libido whilst casually resigning my emotions, or just bash my head against the brick wall of the same stories to which the outcome always seems to be the same.
Seems the only course of action is to take no course and see where the chips fall, perhaps I’ll catch a break and one might fall near me?
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Less thinking
By d | January 25, 2010
Sometimes I enjoy the back and forth, sometimes I don’t.
This is one of those times I don’t. I can only go so far, make my intentions known so much. I get tired, then I turn away. You know, one of these days I’ll turn for good, not come back as I always seem to.
The problem is, when it’s there on offer, it isn’t wanted. When it’s out of grasp, you seem to want.
Some days I realise, I just want to be happy, not over-think, not try and think of every possible outcome, and what would happen if this, if that. Just be happy and enjoy. After all, could get run over by a bus tomorrow.
Stranger things have happened.
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Some days.
By d | January 21, 2010
Some days I miss you more. Some days I miss you less.
The problem seems to be, no day do I forget about you. That’s what makes it all so difficult, what makes it hard to just keep walking. Time is supposed to take care of these kinds of things, but it hasn’t before, so why would it now?
I think investing my time more industriously is a wise idea. Less dwelling, more doing. Less screaming lyrics, more subtle cellos. This year is meant to be about change after all, so when there is no change to enforce, instigate it.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m talking about at least half the time.
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Mistakes
By d | December 24, 2009
I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes over years gone by.
Most of the time, I’m happy to have made the mistake, or at least come to terms with it, and found a silver lining, or a reason.
Sometimes, I don’t know why I made them, and those aren’t too hard to deal with either, there’s a bliss in not knowing your own reasoning.
The problem is when you know why you made those mistakes, and you cannot change them.
I shouldn’t have turned away that night at the wharf. I didn’t want to, but I did. I thought I did it for the right reasons, because you weren’t doing it for the right reasons, but maybe I was wrong.
But then, am I ever the reason? Or am I just conveniently placed? It never seems to be about me, it’s always about someone else.
Still, I did make a mistake, and shouldn’t have said no. I didn’t want to say no. But I did. For that I’m sorry.
Maybe one day we’ll both be there for the right reasons?
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Gone again.
By d | December 16, 2009
Well, it’s been some time since the last entry in here, which generally I consider to be a good sign, but I guess no matter how hard I try, things can never stay good and in check for that long.
There seems to be some form of etherial balance between work, family, relationships and friends in my life. As though only two can ever be in a good state, and two must always counter by being in a bad state.
This time, I really thought it was for real. I thought I’d found somebody who I can spend a near-eternity with. Somebody who I could grow old and senile with. Seems I was most certainly wrong about that.
Somebody put it very clearly to me the other day when talking about this. It’s not about finding someone you can do stuff with, it’s about finding someone you can do nothing with.
I thought DM was my do-nothing-with kinda gal. We could be happy without the need to be constantly chasing something “to do” or somewhere to go. We could just be ourselves. Our personalities stripped and naked, just us being our core selves, unapologetic and genuine. It’s hard to find that in life, and I thought I’d had it and would keep it.
For what it’s worth, from my perspective, the time together was great. More than just a partner, she was a true friend, and a real companion. Most probably wouldn’t get her or understand why I loved her so much, but to me she was everything I wanted, and more than I needed.
I’ve learnt a lot from ehr, and probably still will, even though she won’t know it. Good times were had.
Now, back to singledom. My most uncomfortable of domains. Where I flail between lost and over-confident. Where I over-analyse and take on too much without thinking through. A domain I wish I could snap myself out of, but I know that rushing into and out of these things is never a good idea.
One thing that is for certain, is that the blog posts on here will definitely increase in frequency.
Welcome back.
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Out of place.
By d | April 11, 2009
Wow, looking back, it appears a lot of time has passed since my last post. I guess that’s one of the few downsides of being in a good place (relationship-wise) and things going well.
Well here I am, and I thought I’d take some time out at this obscure hour to write down a few thoughts, and tell y’all (i.e. myself) how I’m feeling.
To start off, things are going well. Between me and the Mrs, all things are steaming forward and going great. We get along well, we talk all the time, we share experiences, highs, lows, we get through it all, and she makes me a stronger, better person. Which I like.
We’ve been going for 9 months now, and there doesn’t appear to be any real “issues” facing our relationship, which is a great thing. We’re planning forward, and just enjoying each other each and every day. I can’t actually remember ever having a relationship that was this enjoyable without massive extremes. I like it.
Work is work, and although the polish of a new job (and new industry) has vanished, there’s still excitement in my days, and I still enjoy waking up in the morning curious as to what the challenges for my day will be. I’ve still lots to learn, and many new people to truly get to know, and I’m being presenting with ongoing opportunities to show myself in a positive light, and bring interesting, creative things to the table. Again, it’s great at the moment, so I really can’t complain.
I’m living in Pyrmont now with the Mrs, which has been great, as my dependance on the car has dwindled away. I find myself walking around and discovering new things more often, and not constantly defaulting to the crutch of just going down to the same-old places (although, I do frequently miss those same places).
I suppose, as a by-product of these three things (Mrs, Work, Pyrmont), I seem to find myself further and further away from a lot of my friends, and the regular social happenings of late. Increasingly I’ve missed out on a big event, or a controversy, or just day-to-day conversations and discussions. I do miss it dearly, and miss many of my friends with our regular banter and seemingly cyclical social mishaps. I find myself no longer in the centre of, or even remotely embroiled in the drama of our circle and while it is a pleasant change, I also feel as though it may be strong signs of the change in all of us that has taken place over the past year.
As though all of a sudden we all decided a year ago that we’ll just turn away from each other slowly, things have been wearing away and our close-knit connections have become more distant. Sure, we still spend time together, and we still occasionally revert back to “the way things were”, but not with the same regularity, nor from the same drivers.
In this same period of time, I’ve slowly watched myself morph from the social addict I was, to somebody who seems to be much more reserved and held back, who only wants social interaction when it will be truly stimulating, or with people I truly care for. Gone are the days when I could appreciate any form of conversation whether it be mundane or irrelevant. Now I seek out people who I can learn from, or share with, or discuss and disagree with, but on humble and reasonable terms.
I’m still struggling to define within myself whether all this is a by-product of the changes in my life, or simply a manifestation of something resembling maturity. Either way, I now find myself actually beginning to like who I am again, which is something I’ve been uncertain of for quite some time.
I may be out of place so many times with others who I could previously relate so closely to and have shared with, but now, I find myself becoming more in-place with myself, and I’m pretty cool with that trade.
Cheers,
D
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Post of the happy soul.
By d | August 6, 2008
It’s generally quite easy to determine when I am in a good overall frame of mind, when things are going well, when I am “happy”. The tell-tale sign is the sudden dramatic reduction in my frequency of blogging. And, if you’ve at all noticed lately, there has not been an update in some time.
The reason for this new absence from my keyboard? A combination of things really, the first being a wonderful new lady in my life. Sadly, here initial is already taken by me, so instead, I’ll have to use both and call her DM. Whilst in my mind this attraction is nothing new, it was certainly a surprise to me to hear that the feeling was mutual, let alone that it had resided in her for some time, so naturally after a nice long road trip up the coast, a visit to that icon of Australian known as the Big Banana, and some revealing conversation, we decided to give things a try and see how it all pans out.
So far so good, things have progressed steadily, and we seem to be in a mutual state of happiness. Unlike so many of my past relationships, there is no drama, there is no tension, there is no miscommunications or misinterpretations. Things are clear, and we’re happy where we’re at. We spend most our nights and weekends together, as I introduce her to the joys of disgusting fatty Macedonian foods, popular geek culture, and the concept of hanging your clothes up in the wardrobe rather than put them in a pile, and she introduces me to the masterpiece that is Invader Zim, the nirvana that is the Leura Candy store, and then subsequently kicks my ass in Guitar Hero… and Mario Kart… and Sonic… and pretty much anything she applies herself to. She’s a strong achiever who doesn’t take failure or loss lightly, she has a plan, and a firm stance in her beliefs and opinions. Despite this, she’s shy, and somewhat guarded around new people. She powers through her days, achieves things she wants, and succeeds in countless things, yet does it all with a modesty that would embarrass a nun. She is an amazing girl, and I feel all the more blessed for having her in my life.
As with everything in life, nothing gained without something lost, and it seems that my interaction with friends and the like has been at the biggest lost since DM came into the picture. To be honest though, I couldn’t be happier about it. Lately, the social circles have been rife with conflict and tensions, P’s woman and one of the circle had an dispute that seemed to come out of nowhere, and not really have any conclusion or resolution. Two others in the circle started dating, which seems good at first, but is bound to change things in the long run, hopefully for the better, but who knows. Things with friends are changing and people are growing in different directions. My parents always told me that in tough times, you always find out who your true friends are, the ones that care for you enough to pick up the phone, catch up with you, see how you are. The ones that make the effort to be there for you, and the ones who fall by the wayside. Traditionally, I’ve always made an effort to make sure I keep in touch with everyone, but this time, it’s interesting to see who’s there and who’s not. So far, it’s been a grand total of three people, one who I didn’t expect, and two who’ve been there all along.
It’s good to know who you can count on, and who can count on you. Puts things in perspective.
Meanwhile, the job hunt is still a crawl, and not so much a ‘hunt’ as it is a casual stroll through the jungle, looking at the big elephants as they pass by. It won’t be long before I have to put my ass into gear and actually find something though, but I think I’ll live up the unemployed lifestyle just as long as I can.
Another fantastic thing that has happened recently that has bounded me back into a state of smiles and hugs, is meeting a new interesting person who I can only truly describe as “energising”. Although we’d met several times in the past (apparently), it was only recently that we properly met, and subsequently have built a good solid friendship. Her presence is absolutely energising, and her amazing talents and natural breath for life is refreshing. She is one of those people who you are just glad to have in your life, as you know you are better off for having them there. Although she won’t know it, she’s one of the main things that saved me from just dropping everything here and leaving, and restored my faith in decent human beings. Thank you.
Well, the lady is upstairs sleeping, so I best be getting back to the bedside. And, although this is the happy-times, I’ll do my best to write as much about them as I can.
Happy Damian, signing out.
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