Sometimes your realise.
By d | March 18, 2010
Sometimes you realise, that there’s just nothing you can do.
There’ no action you can take, no words you can speak, no act you can make, no truth you can mutter, no comfort you can offer.
There’s just nothing you can do to make a person believe, and have faith.
Some things are just fixed points in time and space, and your dedication, consistency, loyalty, love, none of it matters. It’s something you cannot affect, nor can you influence.
You just have to take it for what it is, and move on with your life.
It’s that moment of realising that somebody you love, will never love you, no matter what.
End of story. Game Over.
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What The Fuck Am I Doing?
By d | March 15, 2010
I really don’t know sometimes.
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Depressing.
By d | February 22, 2010
I guess I should be excited. An awesome thing just happened in my career. In fact, two awesome things. Two pretty astonishingly remarkable things, to me at least.
Either on their own normally would make me giddy with uncontainable excitement. The problem is, I have nobody to share them with.
Sure there’s a few friends who I’ve told, some were genuinely happy for me. Some just congratulated because it’s what you’re supposed to do.
But it’s just not the same as somebody who has been there with me, understands what it took to get there, and can be truly happy with me, for what’s happened.
I don’t know, I feel I should really be excited, but I’m just depressed I have nobody to share it with. That’s life I guess, one thing goes well, another is shitty. Balance of life.
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Withdrawn.
By d | February 13, 2010
Time to withdraw from certain scenarios and certain people methinks.
There are other things at play, and I don’t like where it’s all leading.
Withdrawn.
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Why do I do it to myself?
By d | February 10, 2010
Sometimes I really wonder why I do it to myself. Along I go, travelling fine and keeping a check on things. Just livin life, and doing my bidness.
Then what do I decide to do? Agree to spend some time with DM. Just chilling and doing stuff the way we used to do.
Then what, she explains how unhappy she is at the moment, and how she wished things hadn’t taken the course they did. And what do I do? Fill my head with stupid nonsense as a byproduct.
Sure, I miss things, the way they were. And fuck yes, I miss her too. So much. I miss the way things just clicked with us, there wasn’t any “oh, sometimes it feels right, sometimes it doesn’t” – just an acceptance that we worked well together, and things were good.
There’s a thousand and one things I miss about her on a daily basis, thoughts that just appear in my mind and just try and dismiss as quickly.
But, would I ever want to go down that road again, knowing the outcome it lead to? Do I ever want to risk being hurt like that, and having to suck it all up, again?
I really don’t know, and it’s killing me.
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Writing it down is the hard bit
By d | February 1, 2010
Some days, the words come quite easily. I set down to the keyboard, and it all just rushes out of me, unedited and uncensored by my mind. Just raw thoughts and lots of feelings.
Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened for quite some time now. The more I think about writing down all the things that have happened, the feelings that I’ve felt, the mini adventures I’ve had, the more I seem to hesitate to commit to typing it out.
From the entrance of new characters to the cameos of old ones, there has been a bit of turbulence of late, but nothing as dramatic or extreme as it’s been in the past.
Mistakes have certainly been made (seems as though it’s hard for me to avoid making mistakes these days), most specifically the huge error in judgement of letting my guard down a little too much in a passionate conversation and accidentally hinting someone into the deeper parts of my inner monologue. This is a topic on which at the best of times can cause shame and discomfort, let alone when shared with a close former-affiliate.
Danger signs and warning bells were ringing in my head, this much is true, but sadly the words kept pouring out of me without consideration.
The downside to all this? Well, from my perspective, and added layer of neurosis, that now seems to be plaguing my mind during every conversation, every interaction, every glance. From her standpoint, I’m not certain there has been much affect. Not that I necessarily think there would have been, she soldiers on, and adds to the arsenal of intimate parts of me she knows. Always a dangerous thing if you ask me.
New characters seem to come and go, nothing really fulfilling those needs of real companionship and a deep level of understanding. My own company is growing ever more tiresome of itself, though the choices remain grim; remain in a state of solitude and enjoy self-conversing, find new companionship and go through the horribly unsatisfying process of filtering through to those who can actually understand, enjoy platonic companionship and frustrate my libido whilst casually resigning my emotions, or just bash my head against the brick wall of the same stories to which the outcome always seems to be the same.
Seems the only course of action is to take no course and see where the chips fall, perhaps I’ll catch a break and one might fall near me?
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Less thinking
By d | January 25, 2010
Sometimes I enjoy the back and forth, sometimes I don’t.
This is one of those times I don’t. I can only go so far, make my intentions known so much. I get tired, then I turn away. You know, one of these days I’ll turn for good, not come back as I always seem to.
The problem is, when it’s there on offer, it isn’t wanted. When it’s out of grasp, you seem to want.
Some days I realise, I just want to be happy, not over-think, not try and think of every possible outcome, and what would happen if this, if that. Just be happy and enjoy. After all, could get run over by a bus tomorrow.
Stranger things have happened.
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Some days.
By d | January 21, 2010
Some days I miss you more. Some days I miss you less.
The problem seems to be, no day do I forget about you. That’s what makes it all so difficult, what makes it hard to just keep walking. Time is supposed to take care of these kinds of things, but it hasn’t before, so why would it now?
I think investing my time more industriously is a wise idea. Less dwelling, more doing. Less screaming lyrics, more subtle cellos. This year is meant to be about change after all, so when there is no change to enforce, instigate it.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m talking about at least half the time.
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Mistakes
By d | December 24, 2009
I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes over years gone by.
Most of the time, I’m happy to have made the mistake, or at least come to terms with it, and found a silver lining, or a reason.
Sometimes, I don’t know why I made them, and those aren’t too hard to deal with either, there’s a bliss in not knowing your own reasoning.
The problem is when you know why you made those mistakes, and you cannot change them.
I shouldn’t have turned away that night at the wharf. I didn’t want to, but I did. I thought I did it for the right reasons, because you weren’t doing it for the right reasons, but maybe I was wrong.
But then, am I ever the reason? Or am I just conveniently placed? It never seems to be about me, it’s always about someone else.
Still, I did make a mistake, and shouldn’t have said no. I didn’t want to say no. But I did. For that I’m sorry.
Maybe one day we’ll both be there for the right reasons?
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Gone again.
By d | December 16, 2009
Well, it’s been some time since the last entry in here, which generally I consider to be a good sign, but I guess no matter how hard I try, things can never stay good and in check for that long.
There seems to be some form of etherial balance between work, family, relationships and friends in my life. As though only two can ever be in a good state, and two must always counter by being in a bad state.
This time, I really thought it was for real. I thought I’d found somebody who I can spend a near-eternity with. Somebody who I could grow old and senile with. Seems I was most certainly wrong about that.
Somebody put it very clearly to me the other day when talking about this. It’s not about finding someone you can do stuff with, it’s about finding someone you can do nothing with.
I thought DM was my do-nothing-with kinda gal. We could be happy without the need to be constantly chasing something “to do” or somewhere to go. We could just be ourselves. Our personalities stripped and naked, just us being our core selves, unapologetic and genuine. It’s hard to find that in life, and I thought I’d had it and would keep it.
For what it’s worth, from my perspective, the time together was great. More than just a partner, she was a true friend, and a real companion. Most probably wouldn’t get her or understand why I loved her so much, but to me she was everything I wanted, and more than I needed.
I’ve learnt a lot from ehr, and probably still will, even though she won’t know it. Good times were had.
Now, back to singledom. My most uncomfortable of domains. Where I flail between lost and over-confident. Where I over-analyse and take on too much without thinking through. A domain I wish I could snap myself out of, but I know that rushing into and out of these things is never a good idea.
One thing that is for certain, is that the blog posts on here will definitely increase in frequency.
Welcome back.
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