Writing it down is the hard bit
By d | February 1, 2010
Some days, the words come quite easily. I set down to the keyboard, and it all just rushes out of me, unedited and uncensored by my mind. Just raw thoughts and lots of feelings.
Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened for quite some time now. The more I think about writing down all the things that have happened, the feelings that I’ve felt, the mini adventures I’ve had, the more I seem to hesitate to commit to typing it out.
From the entrance of new characters to the cameos of old ones, there has been a bit of turbulence of late, but nothing as dramatic or extreme as it’s been in the past.
Mistakes have certainly been made (seems as though it’s hard for me to avoid making mistakes these days), most specifically the huge error in judgement of letting my guard down a little too much in a passionate conversation and accidentally hinting someone into the deeper parts of my inner monologue. This is a topic on which at the best of times can cause shame and discomfort, let alone when shared with a close former-affiliate.
Danger signs and warning bells were ringing in my head, this much is true, but sadly the words kept pouring out of me without consideration.
The downside to all this? Well, from my perspective, and added layer of neurosis, that now seems to be plaguing my mind during every conversation, every interaction, every glance. From her standpoint, I’m not certain there has been much affect. Not that I necessarily think there would have been, she soldiers on, and adds to the arsenal of intimate parts of me she knows. Always a dangerous thing if you ask me.
New characters seem to come and go, nothing really fulfilling those needs of real companionship and a deep level of understanding. My own company is growing ever more tiresome of itself, though the choices remain grim; remain in a state of solitude and enjoy self-conversing, find new companionship and go through the horribly unsatisfying process of filtering through to those who can actually understand, enjoy platonic companionship and frustrate my libido whilst casually resigning my emotions, or just bash my head against the brick wall of the same stories to which the outcome always seems to be the same.
Seems the only course of action is to take no course and see where the chips fall, perhaps I’ll catch a break and one might fall near me?
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Less thinking
By d | January 25, 2010
Sometimes I enjoy the back and forth, sometimes I don’t.
This is one of those times I don’t. I can only go so far, make my intentions known so much. I get tired, then I turn away. You know, one of these days I’ll turn for good, not come back as I always seem to.
The problem is, when it’s there on offer, it isn’t wanted. When it’s out of grasp, you seem to want.
Some days I realise, I just want to be happy, not over-think, not try and think of every possible outcome, and what would happen if this, if that. Just be happy and enjoy. After all, could get run over by a bus tomorrow.
Stranger things have happened.
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Some days.
By d | January 21, 2010
Some days I miss you more. Some days I miss you less.
The problem seems to be, no day do I forget about you. That’s what makes it all so difficult, what makes it hard to just keep walking. Time is supposed to take care of these kinds of things, but it hasn’t before, so why would it now?
I think investing my time more industriously is a wise idea. Less dwelling, more doing. Less screaming lyrics, more subtle cellos. This year is meant to be about change after all, so when there is no change to enforce, instigate it.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m talking about at least half the time.
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Mistakes
By d | December 24, 2009
I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes over years gone by.
Most of the time, I’m happy to have made the mistake, or at least come to terms with it, and found a silver lining, or a reason.
Sometimes, I don’t know why I made them, and those aren’t too hard to deal with either, there’s a bliss in not knowing your own reasoning.
The problem is when you know why you made those mistakes, and you cannot change them.
I shouldn’t have turned away that night at the wharf. I didn’t want to, but I did. I thought I did it for the right reasons, because you weren’t doing it for the right reasons, but maybe I was wrong.
But then, am I ever the reason? Or am I just conveniently placed? It never seems to be about me, it’s always about someone else.
Still, I did make a mistake, and shouldn’t have said no. I didn’t want to say no. But I did. For that I’m sorry.
Maybe one day we’ll both be there for the right reasons?
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Gone again.
By d | December 16, 2009
Well, it’s been some time since the last entry in here, which generally I consider to be a good sign, but I guess no matter how hard I try, things can never stay good and in check for that long.
There seems to be some form of etherial balance between work, family, relationships and friends in my life. As though only two can ever be in a good state, and two must always counter by being in a bad state.
This time, I really thought it was for real. I thought I’d found somebody who I can spend a near-eternity with. Somebody who I could grow old and senile with. Seems I was most certainly wrong about that.
Somebody put it very clearly to me the other day when talking about this. It’s not about finding someone you can do stuff with, it’s about finding someone you can do nothing with.
I thought DM was my do-nothing-with kinda gal. We could be happy without the need to be constantly chasing something “to do” or somewhere to go. We could just be ourselves. Our personalities stripped and naked, just us being our core selves, unapologetic and genuine. It’s hard to find that in life, and I thought I’d had it and would keep it.
For what it’s worth, from my perspective, the time together was great. More than just a partner, she was a true friend, and a real companion. Most probably wouldn’t get her or understand why I loved her so much, but to me she was everything I wanted, and more than I needed.
I’ve learnt a lot from ehr, and probably still will, even though she won’t know it. Good times were had.
Now, back to singledom. My most uncomfortable of domains. Where I flail between lost and over-confident. Where I over-analyse and take on too much without thinking through. A domain I wish I could snap myself out of, but I know that rushing into and out of these things is never a good idea.
One thing that is for certain, is that the blog posts on here will definitely increase in frequency.
Welcome back.
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Out of place.
By d | April 11, 2009
Wow, looking back, it appears a lot of time has passed since my last post. I guess that’s one of the few downsides of being in a good place (relationship-wise) and things going well.
Well here I am, and I thought I’d take some time out at this obscure hour to write down a few thoughts, and tell y’all (i.e. myself) how I’m feeling.
To start off, things are going well. Between me and the Mrs, all things are steaming forward and going great. We get along well, we talk all the time, we share experiences, highs, lows, we get through it all, and she makes me a stronger, better person. Which I like.
We’ve been going for 9 months now, and there doesn’t appear to be any real “issues” facing our relationship, which is a great thing. We’re planning forward, and just enjoying each other each and every day. I can’t actually remember ever having a relationship that was this enjoyable without massive extremes. I like it.
Work is work, and although the polish of a new job (and new industry) has vanished, there’s still excitement in my days, and I still enjoy waking up in the morning curious as to what the challenges for my day will be. I’ve still lots to learn, and many new people to truly get to know, and I’m being presenting with ongoing opportunities to show myself in a positive light, and bring interesting, creative things to the table. Again, it’s great at the moment, so I really can’t complain.
I’m living in Pyrmont now with the Mrs, which has been great, as my dependance on the car has dwindled away. I find myself walking around and discovering new things more often, and not constantly defaulting to the crutch of just going down to the same-old places (although, I do frequently miss those same places).
I suppose, as a by-product of these three things (Mrs, Work, Pyrmont), I seem to find myself further and further away from a lot of my friends, and the regular social happenings of late. Increasingly I’ve missed out on a big event, or a controversy, or just day-to-day conversations and discussions. I do miss it dearly, and miss many of my friends with our regular banter and seemingly cyclical social mishaps. I find myself no longer in the centre of, or even remotely embroiled in the drama of our circle and while it is a pleasant change, I also feel as though it may be strong signs of the change in all of us that has taken place over the past year.
As though all of a sudden we all decided a year ago that we’ll just turn away from each other slowly, things have been wearing away and our close-knit connections have become more distant. Sure, we still spend time together, and we still occasionally revert back to “the way things were”, but not with the same regularity, nor from the same drivers.
In this same period of time, I’ve slowly watched myself morph from the social addict I was, to somebody who seems to be much more reserved and held back, who only wants social interaction when it will be truly stimulating, or with people I truly care for. Gone are the days when I could appreciate any form of conversation whether it be mundane or irrelevant. Now I seek out people who I can learn from, or share with, or discuss and disagree with, but on humble and reasonable terms.
I’m still struggling to define within myself whether all this is a by-product of the changes in my life, or simply a manifestation of something resembling maturity. Either way, I now find myself actually beginning to like who I am again, which is something I’ve been uncertain of for quite some time.
I may be out of place so many times with others who I could previously relate so closely to and have shared with, but now, I find myself becoming more in-place with myself, and I’m pretty cool with that trade.
Cheers,
D
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Post of the happy soul.
By d | August 6, 2008
It’s generally quite easy to determine when I am in a good overall frame of mind, when things are going well, when I am “happy”. The tell-tale sign is the sudden dramatic reduction in my frequency of blogging. And, if you’ve at all noticed lately, there has not been an update in some time.
The reason for this new absence from my keyboard? A combination of things really, the first being a wonderful new lady in my life. Sadly, here initial is already taken by me, so instead, I’ll have to use both and call her DM. Whilst in my mind this attraction is nothing new, it was certainly a surprise to me to hear that the feeling was mutual, let alone that it had resided in her for some time, so naturally after a nice long road trip up the coast, a visit to that icon of Australian known as the Big Banana, and some revealing conversation, we decided to give things a try and see how it all pans out.
So far so good, things have progressed steadily, and we seem to be in a mutual state of happiness. Unlike so many of my past relationships, there is no drama, there is no tension, there is no miscommunications or misinterpretations. Things are clear, and we’re happy where we’re at. We spend most our nights and weekends together, as I introduce her to the joys of disgusting fatty Macedonian foods, popular geek culture, and the concept of hanging your clothes up in the wardrobe rather than put them in a pile, and she introduces me to the masterpiece that is Invader Zim, the nirvana that is the Leura Candy store, and then subsequently kicks my ass in Guitar Hero… and Mario Kart… and Sonic… and pretty much anything she applies herself to. She’s a strong achiever who doesn’t take failure or loss lightly, she has a plan, and a firm stance in her beliefs and opinions. Despite this, she’s shy, and somewhat guarded around new people. She powers through her days, achieves things she wants, and succeeds in countless things, yet does it all with a modesty that would embarrass a nun. She is an amazing girl, and I feel all the more blessed for having her in my life.
As with everything in life, nothing gained without something lost, and it seems that my interaction with friends and the like has been at the biggest lost since DM came into the picture. To be honest though, I couldn’t be happier about it. Lately, the social circles have been rife with conflict and tensions, P’s woman and one of the circle had an dispute that seemed to come out of nowhere, and not really have any conclusion or resolution. Two others in the circle started dating, which seems good at first, but is bound to change things in the long run, hopefully for the better, but who knows. Things with friends are changing and people are growing in different directions. My parents always told me that in tough times, you always find out who your true friends are, the ones that care for you enough to pick up the phone, catch up with you, see how you are. The ones that make the effort to be there for you, and the ones who fall by the wayside. Traditionally, I’ve always made an effort to make sure I keep in touch with everyone, but this time, it’s interesting to see who’s there and who’s not. So far, it’s been a grand total of three people, one who I didn’t expect, and two who’ve been there all along.
It’s good to know who you can count on, and who can count on you. Puts things in perspective.
Meanwhile, the job hunt is still a crawl, and not so much a ‘hunt’ as it is a casual stroll through the jungle, looking at the big elephants as they pass by. It won’t be long before I have to put my ass into gear and actually find something though, but I think I’ll live up the unemployed lifestyle just as long as I can.
Another fantastic thing that has happened recently that has bounded me back into a state of smiles and hugs, is meeting a new interesting person who I can only truly describe as “energising”. Although we’d met several times in the past (apparently), it was only recently that we properly met, and subsequently have built a good solid friendship. Her presence is absolutely energising, and her amazing talents and natural breath for life is refreshing. She is one of those people who you are just glad to have in your life, as you know you are better off for having them there. Although she won’t know it, she’s one of the main things that saved me from just dropping everything here and leaving, and restored my faith in decent human beings. Thank you.
Well, the lady is upstairs sleeping, so I best be getting back to the bedside. And, although this is the happy-times, I’ll do my best to write as much about them as I can.
Happy Damian, signing out.
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Quarterly Update.
By d | June 27, 2008
So, quite an update of things and life in general is required here, as it’s been a while since I’ve done a proper update.
I’ll try to stay on track as much as possible, but I cannot promise anything, so I’ll just blurt it all out as it comes to mind.
At the moment, sitting at Mars Hill with my new laptop Lolita (all my laptops have names, and I figured since this one is smaller and younger than the last one, the name was only appropriate) as well as Ian the homeless guy sitting at the table across from me, as he always does.
I’ve spent the past few hours just sitting here, reflecting, thinking, and trying to figure out my thoughts in a lot of aspects of my life. Two are more pressing than any of the others.
The first aspect, is what I would normally label as “work”. About three weeks ago, my employment with AMP ceased. After a bit of a debacle and political infighting, my team’s ongoing battle with the Brand people at AMP came to a sudden halt, with my dismissal that is. I packed all my things, and promptly left the building. It was a daunting experience to say the least. This place that I’d grown so comfortable in over the past three and a half years, was no longer my home. I’d always imagined that leaving there would be a strange experience, it would be something that I would miss, and there would no doubt be a period of mourning, or adjustment in the least. None of that came. After the car trip from the office home to come to grips with the events of the afternoon, I couldn’t help but smile. I felt as though I’d been liberated. Almost as if I’d been held there against my will all this time. I could now rest. I could put my feet up, not thinking about up coming issues or projects or decisions to be made. No nagging in the back of my mind. True relaxation. It’s been relieving to say the least. I’ve spent the past 4 weeks doing things I’ve not had the time to do before. I’ve sat around the house plenty, I’ve played my Xbox more in the past month than in the past year. I’ve had time to just watch movies, chill out and watch TV. I’ve read books I’d previously shelved with a “read when you have the time” post-it note stuck to the side. I’ve gone on drives by my lonesome, equipped only with my camera. Nowhere to go the next day, nobody to report to. Just like being a kid again.
Now, a month on, I’m beginning to feel the onset of boredom. No, boredom is not the right word. It’s an itch. My mind is feeling restless, as though it hasn’t really been exercised for a while. The lack of stimulation is beginning to set in. Sure, there are things happening here and there, but not the stimulation brought by work and achievement. I have to find something to do again shortly, but I don’t think working for another corporate will be the path I choose for the next few years.
I’ve signed on to be part of the RYLA organising committee for next year. It should be fun, it was so rewarding and enjoyable for me, I can only hope to bring as much to it next year as it gave me this year.
I may try and do some more design work again, it’s always good to keep the creative juices flowing, and hopefully some of the contacts made at the previous job will start to pay off now. Kev was interested in an idea I had to use the MHC resources and their newly acquired government grant to start a record label. Something that is completely outside of my comfort zone, something where I don’t have a lot of knowledge or experience. It should be interesting, and hopefully, challenging.
The social aspects of life at the moment are a bit daunting. I feel suddenly so overexposed, too much time with people, obviously a by-product of the excess time I now hold. I want to withdraw from most everybody for a little while, just take a step back, and get back into it when I’ve got all my other stuff sorted out. I don’t feel I’m the best company at the moment, not with all these questions and decisions on my mind now.
I still read her blog. I wish I didn’t, but I do.
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Mohawk
By d | May 7, 2008
The phone rang last night. I leaned over, her picture came up, as it always does, a cute little pic of her side-on profile back when she was sporting a mohawk for the day. I stared at it as it continued to ring, I picked it up, and was about to press the answer button, but I just kept staring and waiting. Not sure what for exactly, but just waiting.
It stopped ringing. The picture disappeared. I stared still at my blank phone. I put it down, and tried not to think about it.
A harder task than it sounds like.
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This warm fleshy exterior hides my cold robot heart.
By d | May 4, 2008
The windows are down, they always are. It’s freezing outside, must be close to ten degrees. My scarf is wrapped twice around my neck, the jumper is doing a poor job, the seat warmers are the only salvage. Cigarette poised firmly between the lips and leaning out to one side. Beth Gibbons is singing aggressively on Portishead’s latest album. Most of the streetlights are out for some reason, but it makes the bounding of my headlights against the road even more dramatic that way.
Things seem to be like this in my life at the moment. There’s a darkness and cold outside my window, but I’ve encapsulated myself in my own little place. What little warmth there is seems to have me sustained. I care not for the destination, and the journey lost it’s appeal a long time ago on this road. But I’m still on it. Still here.
I heard from L the other day, in nothing more than a passing conversation. She says her life is still messy, things aren’t where they should be, but she’s still coping. My concern only seems to increase as the distance between us grows. I don’t know what to say to her to turn it around, or give her some glimmer of hope or just even to initiate a smile. I’m not even sure why I’m so concerned, she has people in her life that care for her already, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. She is still not as happy as she should be. I wish I knew what it would take to get her there, but even if I did, I’m not so certain she would let me in to apply it.
Thoughts of L are concerning, and I try not to analyse it to much, it’s not my place, and it cannot lead to good things. But I have to keep my mind occupied, I cannot let it sit dormant too long, thoughts meander.
Tinkle is still having trouble settling back into her life here. Her job is a pain, and her hours are intense. She’s lost most of the friendships she used to have, many by her own choosing, some just showed their true colours. I feel like the only one left in it all, and I want to be there for her, but she can be incredibly demanding as a friend, and sometimes I just want to wallow in my own thoughts without the interruption. She’s close to finding her rhythm, but just not there yet.
Quick, think of something else, anything, anyone, just don’t let your thoughts draw back to where they usually go.
Friends seem to be socialising more frequently, and rejoining once again. It’s great. Beginning to feel like old times again, but the characters have all grown up, people feel different, more stable, more wise, yet still seeming to make many of the same mistakes. We are who we are, nobody can change that.
Uh… Work. Work is good. It flow on filling the gap in my week between Sunday and Saturday. It carries me through to nowhere, but at least it’s carrying me. If I didn’t have it, I’d have to step out on my own to feet, and at the moment, the thought of that is more frightening than you may think. I’m happy just to be carried here a little bit longer, I know it won’t be like that forever, but just a bit more works for me.
Little else to think about now, and the thoughts start settling back to where they always do. My mind fucking me once again, holding a firm grip on what I do and don’t care about. I hate myself for always going back to the same thoughts, I need to find a way to steer away from them. I doubt she goes through those thoughts, so why the hell should I. The last thing she said to me when we were on the phone for the last time, was the one thing I wanted to hear. I love you. Yet I still don’t know why she said it. Why she would put that in there at the very last moment, why she had to remind me of something I know, but had kept so deep inside me that it laid peacefully dormant.
My mind is now like a rock tumbling over a cliff’s edge. There is nothing that can really prevent it from hitting that sea of emotion at this point.
I quickly change the music. Something happy, something numbing. The robotic sounds of Daft Punk quickly fill the car, and I cannot help but dance along like a complete moron in the car by myself. It’ll fend of the thoughts, at least for now, and it seems like I’m playing it every moment at a time these days.
She’s moved on into her own life now.
I’m trying desperately to do the same.
Hopefully nobody will notice.
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